I'm Writing Anyway

A Farewell of Sorts

2012-01-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

I've been drafting this post in my mind for months.

Although, I never actually envisioned it as a post. A letter, yes. Spoken and unspoken words, yes. But, never a post. Yet, here I am... writing it anyway.

The questions in my mind for over the past year really (because that's when the countdown began) have been...

:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye? and...

:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say?

After ruminating over these questions, here are the answers I've so wisely and accurately accumulated.
:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye?
(you don't)
and...
:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say?
(no, there aren't)

So, let it be said that I'm not saying goodbye, because time has proven that we actually CAN grow closer with distance. And time has also proven that we DO stay in touch and take efforts to see one another as regularly as we can. For those reasons and more, this is instead, a "farewell of sorts."

Because although I'm not saying goodbye, something must be said to the friends who taught us how to "write an adventure" for our children. The friends who inspired us to parent our littles in a way that fits who we are as people. The friends who gave us the name of the book that started us dreaming of what we wanted our family life to look like. The friends who welcomed us into their new community readily and easily. The friends who were always comfortable staying in our home, cooking with us or for us, encouraging our biggest little and loving/snuggling with our littlest. The friends we couldn't wait to share news with. The friends who supported in my own doubts, questions and fears.

And specifically to you, the sister I never had...
For teaching me how to live peacefully and be a contented encourager to my husband. For being oh so comfortable with who you are and who God is- regardless of the season of life. For sharing in our heartaches and sorrows. For our labor and delivery dreams (and realities)... and helping me laugh and be OK with it all. :-) For sharing the blog that inspired the name. For encouraging my writing. For conversations over coffee... in the midst of all the fullness of life. More recently, for teaching me to crochet. For the amazing scone recipe... and for making them for me when I was sick. For appreciating the dramatic. And just for knowing, in so many seasons and so many times.

all because of Him

note found in prayer room

me & you

a bit of yummy comfort

We love you.
We wish you the best.
We are praying fervently and
we can't WAIT to hear (oh, and to visit). :-)

Perspective

2011-08-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

The phone call immediately put me in a sour mood.

My OB office called this morning. Two weeks ago, my doctor had seen what she deemed enough progress for us to go ahead and schedule an induction on August 11th. Two days from today. Last week, since my doctor was on vacation, I saw a nurse practicioner. She seemed to think a bit differently from my doctor. Now my doctor would like to see me again tomorrow for an exam to determine whether or not it's a good idea to go ahead with the induction on Thursday.

What? My spirit dampened a bit. We had our hearts set on Thursday, August 11th. Although I've found myself going back and forth, doubting that decision a bit, I was still sooo anticipating that day as the day we'd finally get to meet this new life.

I said goodbye to my husband as he left for work... with a smile and a kiss he tried to encourage me. I still found myself a tad bitter and resentful about it all. I tried to proceed with my morning and encourage myself to keep looking forward.

I quickly put a pot of boiling water on the stove for coffee, grabbed a basketful of laundry, turned on some encouraging praise and worship music, sat at the kitchen table to fold clothes and chat with our four-year old as she colored. It only took about 30 seconds.

Perspective was gained.

It had been one year ago, almost to the day. We had learned, to our ever hopeful hearts, that after losing one child in March, we again, were facing a failed pregnancy and losing another baby. This time, we soon discovered, a baby girl. Emerson Jayne.

Cherish THIS moment.

The words were a whisper with the passing winds outside on this beautiful, cooler summer morning.

I felt the tears come quickly to my eyes. With the kicks of this, perhaps not-yet-ready to arrive babe :) and the sweet voice of our beautiful growing Maddie explaining with pride about her colorful, rainbow horse she'd just colored, I was reminded to be thankful for now.

This moment. This time with her of peace as I waited for the water to boil, accomplishing a simple, yet necessary task of folding our laundry, thankful in that moment for my iPhone with a wide array of music to fit many occasions.

Perspective gained... I'm thankful. So ever thankful. For what was.... what is to come.... and especially for right now.

Writing Workshop

2011-04-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

I know... it has been entirely too long! I often wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a blogger. I sure don't keep up with it much at all. I long to. But, I long for so many other things as well that take my time and attention. All good things (or at least most of the time), but things that distract from the discipline of writing nonetheless.

Knowing this is true of myself, I signed up for a six-week online writing course. I'm loving it. And it's very difficult. It's forcing me to be disciplined because there are "due dates" I have to meet in order to not let down my fellow co-writers. It's so good, and so hard.

Here's a piece I worked on for the first two weeks of the workshop... It's long. And yes, I cut and paste the entire thing on here. Don't feel obligated to read it all. But if you choose to, thank you. :)

~~~~

I felt very motherly. I had just fed my 3-month old nephew and was watching my four-year old, in the room next door coloring, when I felt the flutters of the new life growing within. The flutters felt more like kicks this time, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my nephew felt them too. I was comfortably perched on the couch, feet on the coffee table, knees bent, and he was nestled with his head between my knees, facing me. It’s one of my favorite times with newborns, freshly fed, ever-so happy and ready to interact. The kick produced an instant smile and giggle from him. Could it be that he was aware of what was going on?

Feeling a sudden pang for the lone big sister-to-be, I steered my attention toward checking in with her in the adjacent room.
“How are you doing in there girlie?” A pause.
“Fine mom.”
“Would you like to come in here in and color?” Another thoughtful pause.
“No. I just want some time to myself. I’m OK.”
The transformation is nothing short of amazing. She went from being completely dependent upon us for her every need, to a little person with her own ambitions and desires. She was a little girl, who in this very moment, just needed some time to herself. This was my lovely, my sweet, sweet girl and she was growing up.

Just last week, I was able to spend time at the ocean. A few peaceful days, just my husband and I. I was able to walk every morning on the beach. During those walks, I watched families collecting sea shells, slowly and quietly waking with each sandy step. I was reminded of idyllic summer vacations with my family at the beach. I remember my fears of the ocean as a small child. I'd finally venture out, play in the fierce waves and slowly begin to feel comfortable. Sun-drenched and carefree, I'd never see the wave coming as it knocked me over. I'd feel the rough sand on my legs, the sting of salt water in my eyes and somehow blindly crying, make it back to my mom, ever ready with a fresh towel and water.

   Fear.

Would I be able to love her enough, in the way she needs me to? Would she know how amazing she is to us even with a new little one in our lives? Would she be able to come to me with her deepest fears and worries? Would she always remember that although we love them both the same, we loved her first? God gave her to us first? That even the order of our little ones’ births is a part of this great plan?

I took a deep breath and in an instant it felt as if I were standing on the shore of the ocean again, breathing in the freshness that always comes for me when close to an expanse in creation much greater than myself. It smelled clean and salty at the same time. Refreshing and yet a bit scary, a bit unknown. In that moment the word that came quickly to my mind was singular and precise.

Surrender.

My fears are held in the hands of a Creator who also holds the fierce and raw power of the oceans. Will the fear of the one destructive wave cripple me? No. Indeed, the beauty of surrender is found in the sun-drenched, carefree, childlike wonder of the unknown.

As I watch, I see her independent little hands moving rapidly across the page, the markers smearing together on her arm in a rainbow of her efforts. She concentrates, putting all of her little being into creating her masterpiece. One of her legs is tucked under her and another dangling below, swinging a good six inches from the ground. Her still-pudgy toes and feet are swinging in rhythm to her methodical coloring. She is not afraid.

I breathe it in deeply, inhaling the smells of a fresh-new baby in my lap, powder and milk, mixed with the lingering smells of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from our lunch we’d had earlier that day. The sticky lunch that she’d asked me to wipe from her little fingers. With them spread wide, she looked, unsure of how exactly to manage it by herself, and confident that mommy would be there to help.

I taste salt. I sigh deeply. It takes me a moment to realize that the salt is from my tears... tasting just like the ocean air. And there I am again, standing before the powerful beauty of the expansive ocean, fully surrendered.

20 Words

2011-01-02T18:27:00.000-08:00

A friend and I have been experimenting.

For the past month, we've been blogging each week on a joint blog with the goals of living, appreciating, connecting and refining. In life, relationships and everything in between. You could almost say it's been like "texting" one another each weekend summing up our thoughts for the week on a certain word.

For the first month, our word was "words." We focused on this word each week and then blogged our thoughts in exactly 20 words (to keep it short, thoughtful and manageable). Our thoughts on "words" ranged from saying too much, choosing our words, hurtful words, words being unable to capture certain moments, anticipation of words, others' words deeply changing us, etc...

It was such a fruitful exercise! I feel like I was very aware for the month of December of my words (good and bad). I'm looking forward to our year ahead with this project as we kick off January blogging about "possibility."

So, in closing of 2010, a few of my thoughts about my own words...

I often use too many
When said in angry moments, without thinking them through, they are ALWAYS hurtful
Sometimes I don't need them (even if I think I do)
Some moments are more beautiful without them
I love reading and writing them!
Others' spoken into my life can be so encouraging & life-giving... and these I cherish
There is room for faith and trust in the anticipation of words
Even if words haven't been exchanged for AGES, it's okay & often a beautiful exchange when you pick back up where you left off

I love them... everything about them. So many stories to be told! May I tell a few in 2011 and be blessed to hear many more...

Other Plans

2010-12-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

It was so quiet, yet so very familiar. I almost dropped the book and glass I was carrying. Could it be? Was I hearing your voice after so long?

I listened again.

There it was. Quiet, yet strong... "Put it down. I have other plans."

I laid the book down and turned to walk down the stairs. I almost couldn't do it. I turned back for the book and there the voice was again, "No. Leave it. I have other plans."

I put on my shoes quickly and almost skipped down the stairs. I was joyful. Anxious to hear from you. I think I was smiling.

I hopped on the treadmill, ready to walk and ready for the "other plans." Thirsty for your voice, your words. The familiar that I thought I'd lost long ago.

I walked and my mind said, "Hey there. What are you thinking of tonight?"

I was anticipating it would take several minutes or longer for your response. It had been a while since we'd talked. I'd always known you were there, yet you'd been so distant. Or I had... or something... We'd been apart, not as close, yet feeling closer than ever in the midst of the distance. The silence. The questions. Is that even possible?

There was no hesitation. You responded quickly.

"Mama."

It's what my lovely has been calling me lately. Not mommy, or mom. It's been Mama, for the past several weeks.

I was a bit surprised and my mind instantly started trying to interpret. But, I didn't need to. You spoke again.

"It's endearing to hear her call you that isn't it? There is something very sweet about it."

I nodded yes in response.

"Did you know that it's me?"

WHAT? My mind was reeling.

"When she says 'Mama,' that's me touching your heart. That's me saying you WERE created for this. You ARE enough. You ARE adequate."

The tears were streaming down my face. I knew it was true. This really was His voice. After so long. It was so strong, so familiar, so comforting.

"She adores you, you know? She wants so much to make you happy. Cherish that."

The tears wouldn't stop. I almost had to stop walking.

He's here. He always has been. And he always will be. My Sustainer. Using my lovely to touch my heart, to reach me.

He is beautiful.

Life as Story

2010-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Looking at our lives as stories, it's no wonder to me why words are significant.

We must have words to communicate... to explain... to ask... to express.

Most times, I don't find that I'm at a loss for words. Usually it's quite the opposite!

I listen so much in my job.

At home, at times, I feel as if I'm vomiting out words upon words.

I find it easy to use the 'listening in my job' as my excuse

as to why I 'vomit' (pardon me) these words at home.

Words upon words become quite meaningless very quickly.

How often do my words quickly hurt, tear down, hate?

Instead of... encourage, build up, love, bring life?

Tonight I appreciated some moments of silence and reflection on my words throughout the day. I even asked Brad for feedback on some words I'd used and what words he might have used instead.

And there. In that moment, we were partnering well.

As I think about my day, I find myself hoping that I can use words sparingly and instead of...

looking to write my own story,

be aware of and tap into the greater story that I am a part of already.

Sometimes a Girl Needs a Cupcake

2010-08-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

And in this case the "girl" is me, not Maddie.

In the midst of painful moments, moments we don't understand, I've found that attempting to create a memorable and sweet moment helps me ever so much. So that's what I do, if I'm capable in that moment to do so.

I wanted to create one of those sweet moments a few days ago. Literally, a wrapper full of one ooey, gooey sugary sweet moment. I was desperately craving a lemon cupcake. I sat looking at a new cookbook at all the lemon recipes for about 45 minutes before I realized I hadn't turned the page and well... baking obviously just wasn't going to happen right then. But do take a look at this amazing cookbook! It's called Apples to Jam. It's a beautifully illustrated cookbook and it's arranged by color. LOVE IT.

With the baking option thrown out the window, I was in luck. My favorite cupcake shop of all time DOES make lemon cupcakes.

Here's the description of the cupcake called "Pucker Up" taken from their website (you can find these amazing creations at http://www.theflyingcupcakebakery.com/. Anyway, here's the description: Lemon chiffon cake filled with lemon cream and topped with lemon butter cream icing.

It was exactly what I was envisioning... and equally delightful for my tastebuds.

I woke Maddie from her "refreshing nap" as she said (so sweet) and she was a bit thrown off, but quite excited when I asked her if she wanted to put on her frilly pink princess dress and get dessert before dinner. After she woke up all the way, her answer was a giggly, "YES!!!"

So, princess-dress-clad sweet Maddie and I make our way to The Flying Cupcake at 5 PM where we enjoyed our "dessert before dinner." Of course, I've included a few pictures. Too cute not to do so.

To top off the evening, we arrived at home to a "care package" from my sister-in-law, Amy. It included a bottle of wine (saving that yummyness for later), a honey scented bath fizz ball (used 1/2 of it that night... ahhh), three of her favorite funny movies, two funny Chelsea Handler books, and (here's the kicker)...

a box full of homemade red-velvet, chocolate chip, cream cheese iced.... you guessed it, CUPCAKES.

In that moment I felt so understood. The cupcake that gave me a sweet moment with my little girl and a bit of comfort in the midst of sorrow was exactly what my sister-in-law knew would provide that for me. Sweetness all around.

{my sweet moment with my lovely}

That's when the tears came. A little bit of healing and a little bit of grief in the midst of feeling ever so loved. This is just one example of all the amazing ways my friends and family have shown their support during this time. I am so truly blessed. It is continuously blowing me away.

Because sometimes a girl just needs a little love wrapped in a cupcake.

ps. If you're wondering what my "sorrow" is, don't worry, the time will come to share. Right now I'm cherishing sweet moments and taking it one day at a time.

pps. The "Red Velvet Elvis" cupcakes from the shop are my favorite flavor. Amy's were moister and definitely made with love. Yes, I just used the word, "moister."

It's the Little Things...

2010-07-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

....that often mean so much! In writing that title without giving it much thought, not only was I just transported to my college days of listening to Old Charlotte and now have their song "Little Things" running through my mind, but I find I'm short on words today. Correction. Short on words for the past few months.

I have been enjoying life this summer and all the small pleasures and blessings that come along with it. Without many words.

One day the "little thing" may be the fact that I spent $1.50 on a tall coffee from Starbucks only to be given a "treat receipt" (thank God they brought those back!) for a $2 cold beverage after 2 PM. That's right, ANY cold beverage. So, of course I get the iced carmel machiatto. Bringing my grand total coffee purchase for the day from $1.50 to $3.50. Justified by the fact that had I purchased it sans "treat receipt" my total would have been close to $6.50.

Wow Starbucks. You are smart marketers. And that means I... am... a...

...sucked-in-consumer.

I cherished the drink and the 15 minutes of reading my newest novel in the car, in our driveway while Maddie slept.

One day the "little thing" may be the fact that on our family walk (to which she opted for her power wheels 4-wheeler instead of her feet) :) around the neighborhood Madde said joyously, "I LOVE this WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!" with her arms spread-eagle.

One day the "little thing" may be learning how to can blueberries and make jam with my mom & my daughter.

One day the "little thing" may be seeing new mommies-to-be and their growing bellies and the hopeful anticipation on their faces as they await parenthood.

Today, it's the french press that I invested in to make ever so fabulous coffee each morning. And the dinner cooking in the crock-pot... and the beautiful flowers outside.

Yes. Those are the "little things..."

today.

Real Mothers

2010-03-29T07:47:00.001-07:00

Good morning! I realize it has been AGES since I last wrote. A lot has been happening in our world these days. Between the trip to Cambodia and Thailand (which was amazing) and the sad news of losing a baby that was set to arrive on September 30th (not so amazing---although God has been teaching me tons through it), blogging hasn't been at the top of my list.

But, I have been thinking the last few days of hardship and freedom in Christ. Specifically, freedom in parenting IN Christ. I'm still wrapping my mind around lots of thoughts, but was struck by this passage in the new Jodi Picoult book I've been reading. I hope it touches your heart the way it touched mine. It sure addresses the realities of parenting in our culture! It is my hope that reading this passage frees you from being held to these insecurities we as mothers or women face on a sometimes daily basis. It is my hope that instead, you will find strength and freedom in the ONLY one who can weather the storms of life and be joy-filled as a result.

Here's the passage, and a few pics of one of my daily "joys." My do-it-yourself 3 year old filled with joy at the park. :)

And the passage. To all the "real mothers" in the world... my friends, teachers, sages and comforts...

"When did they stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

When I was little, I remember wandering the cereal aisle and picking my breakfast food based on what the reward was: a Frisbee with the Trix rabbit's face emblazoned on the front. Holographic stickers with the Lucky Charms leprechaun. A mystery decoder wheel. I could suffer through raisin bran for a month if it meant I got a magic ring at the end.

I cannot admit this out loud. IN the first place, we are expected to be supermoms these days, instead of admitting that we have flaws. It is tempting to believe that all mothers wake up feeling fresh every morning, never raise their voices, only cook with organic food, and are equally at ease with the CEO and the PTA.

Here's a secret: Those mothers don't exist. Most of us--even if we'd never confess--are suffering through the raisin bran in the hopes of a glimpse of that magic ring.

I look very good on paper. I have a family, and I write a newspaper column. In real life, I have to pick superglue out of the carpet, rarely remember to defrost for dinner, and plan to have BECAUSE I SAID SO engraved on my tombstone.

Real mothers wonder why experts who write for Parents and Good Housekeeping--and dare I say it, the Burlington Free Press--seem to have their acts together all the time when they themselves can barely keep their heads above the stormy seas of parenthood.

Real mothers don't just listen with humble embarrassment to the elderly lady who offers unsolicited advice in the checkout line when a child is throwing a tantrum. We take the child, dump him in the lady's cart, and say, 'Great. Maybe YOU can do a better job.'

Real mothers know that it's okay to eat cold pizza for breakfast.

Real mothers admit it is easier to fail at this job than to succeed.

If parenting is the box of raisin bran, then real mothers know the ratio of flakes to fun is severely imbalanced. For every moment that your child confides in you, or tells you he loves you, or does something unprompted to protect his brother that you happen to witness, there are many more moments of chaos, error, and self-doubt.

Real mothers may not speak the heresy, but they sometimes secretly wish they'd chosen something for breakfast other than this endless cereal.

Real mothers worry that other mothers will find that magic ring, whereas THEY'LL be looking and looking for ages.

Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one."

A Spattering of Nothing Characteristic of Me...

2010-01-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

I honestly can't believe I'm writing a post about organization. Sometimes I feel like the most unorganized person! But, this year, we came to a realization that we needed to begin to simplify and organize our life a bit more. Specifically in the area of finances. Wow. I'm actually getting bored as I write this! Sorry! So, I'll make it quick and just let you know that 2010 has been significantly changed by this simple tool...

I used a simple sectioned file folder (this one happens to be Real Simple brand), and split it into 6 sections
1. Handle ASAP (for important things to be addressed NOW)
2. Bills 1-15
3. Bills 16-30
4. Appointments
5. Tithe
6. Receipts

When I get our mail I sort it into one of the 6 sections. In addition, I place cards/notes on the refrigerator temporarily. If the piece of mail doesn't fit one of those categories, it goes in the trash. This has made for a smooth transition into 2010. So, if the bills need to be paid sometime from the 1st-15th, it goes in that tab, and I pay these bills online on the first. If they need to be paid sometime from the 16th-30th, it goes in that tab, and I pay those bills online on the fifteenth. Any appointments (dentist, optometrist, etc...) go in the appointment tab and it's each of our responsibilities to check and stay on top of those for ourselves. The tithe tab is where I file all of our correspondence with mission organizations, non-profits and other organizations or individuals that we give to on a monthly basis. I also pay these online on the 1st or the 15th when I'm paying the bills. The receipts tab is for any purchases using our debit card, so we can keep track of money coming out of checking.

In addition to this simple folder, my fabulous husband created our 2010 budget while I was out to breakfast with a friend. Oh, yes, what a great hubby he is! I HATE creating budgets. Anyway, we log our spending weekly and are keeping track of things MUCH better than we did last year... I can already see and feel a difference.

New Year's "Resolutions"
So... although I talked in a previous post about Donald Miller's New Year's "write your narrative" instead of "resolutions" challenge, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how that plays out for me... I do plan to think and perhaps write more, but until then, I wanted to share a few of my hopes and goals for 2010.

1. Read at least 30 non-fiction spiritual growth, writing, or blogging (you know, make-me-a-stronger-better person) books
2. Strive for simplicity (fleshed out much more in my journal, but for here & now, this will suffice)
3. Blog/journal at least twice a week
4. Exercise 3 times a week
5. Clean up budget/finances "system" (yeah for a head start on this one!!!)
6. Limit time online to 30 minutes/day outside of blogging
7. Dialogue at least once a month with friends (listed in journal) to keep me accountable to acting on this list & other "stirrings" in my soul & heart

Ahh.... although I have been wanting to blog about all that, it really was a bit painful! Like I said, this kind of writing is uncharacteristic, and a tad counterintuitive to me. So, now that I've shared what I feel I need to about the start of 2010, I can look forward with anticipation to finally beginning to do what I've been longing to with this blog... WRITE ANYWAY.

I realize that the purpose of this blog should have been outlined in my first post, but I rarely do things that way! And anyway, I honestly don't think I was even certain WHAT the purpose of this blog was at that time. But now, I think I know. At least for the time being...
Let this be my tag line...
In the midst of life and all responsibilities, in the middle of a mile-long "to do" list, in the buzz of societal pressures to stay busy and press onward, I'M WRITING ANYWAY. Even though I have big dreams, and yet daily feel unsure of how to write creatively and allow the words in my heart to be put on paper (or the blogosphere) ;), I'M WRITING ANYWAY.

Although I might occasionally have "uncharacteristic" writings, or posts about life, simple stories about our family or the great new pair of shoes I happened across at the mall... that's OK because I'M WRITING ANYWAY...

Made From Scratch Moments: Letters & Weddings

2010-01-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that it came from a movie or a book--which or what, I cannot remember, but I often remind our little lovely just how special and fabulous she is by saying, "You were 'made from scratch.' For example, when riding her bike and forgetting to put her helmet on, I might say, "Put your helmet on to protect your head, since it was made from scratch." Or, "Be gentle with yourself, Dad and I made you from scratch!"

So... I've decided that all my posts regarding her will be titled beginning with, "Made from Scratch Moments..." With that said, here is the first.

Yesterday I was taking complete and utter joy in watching her get ever-so excited about writing her letters on some "guided" sheets that she received for Christmas. There was such excitement and anticipation as she concentrated on getting it just right. And oh, the pride and celebration that followed each letter. There was a lot of holding her hands out in exultation with a big grin plastered on her face. It was so sweet. I was reminded how we get so involved in life that we forget to celebrate the small successes that we see--whether it be in our own lives or the lives of those around us. Why NOT celebrate each letter instead of only the finished word or page?

Second Moment....

Today she started talking about her wedding. I asked her a few questions about it and here's how the conversation played out from there.

Me: You got married?
The little bride: Yes, last night.
Me: Wow. Tell me more about it.
The little bride: Dinosaurs were there!
Me: That's amazing.
The little bride: Uh-huh.
Me: What did it look like? What was everyone wearing?
The little bride: Fancy dresses. (gleam of excitement in her eye and said in an intense whisper) And everyone was spinning... like this (proceeded to demonstrate).
Me: That sounds so fun!
The little bride: Yes. And... (intense whisper again) I married... DADDY!
Me: Ooo. He is a great guy to marry.
The little bride: Yah. He is. We got married on a carousel. It was beautiful.

Ah, a tear in my eye. What a reminder of how we as girlies are created from very early on to LOVE beautiful things and desire beauty in our lives. So sweet and precious. Here's to carousel weddings with dinosaur guests!

Hopeful... or Chimeric?

2010-01-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

I learned a new word today! I could pretend that I heard it used in conversation and thought, "That word is fabulous!" or that I came across it while reading a deeply insightful book, but the truth is, I looked up synonyms for "idealistic" on thesaurus.com (not nearly as glamorous, eh?) ; ) Regardless, I do enjoy the word... chimeric. It means "unreal, imaginary, highly unrealistic, and wildly fanciful."

So, I'm just wondering if my New Year's thoughts are hopeful or chimeric. Let me explain.

Now that I'm committed to joining the blogging world, I have started to feel a bit more bold in posting comments on other blogs. Quite bold, in fact. While perusing Donald Miller's blog (see www.donmilleris.com for his post entitled "Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions"), one of my favorite and most though-provoking, albeit sometimes controversial author, I was so inspired by his post that I decided I'd leave a comment. I said something along the lines of "very inspirational! thanks for the reminder! this aspiring author is inspired... yada, yada."

I was inspired, but the part that seemed a bit "chimeric" is how it played out in my mind from there. I shared this with my husband and we both got a good laugh out of it.
Step 1: Amanda posts comment on Don's blog
Step 2: Don reads and approves Amanda's comment
Step 3: Don, in all his spare time, reads Amanda's first 2 blog posts
Step 4: Don sees the potential in Amanda's writing and becomes a follower of her blog

months to years pass...

Step 5: Don asks Amanda to co-write a book with him

OK... now that you've all had a good laugh with me, I am truly feeling very hopeful this year. Hopeful for the "narrative story" of my life and what 2010 will hold. I'm feeling like this might be the year for some passions to align and fall into place in a great and new way. Granted, a book deal co-authored with Donald Miller may not be a part of that, but I am not discouraged. In fact, I'm greatly encouraged. I'm pursuing my dream to write via this very blog and am feeling excited about the platform with which to get my thoughts out there. I'm reading books that are challenging me to grow and learn in areas that I have long been passionate about. I'm having some of the greatest conversations with some of the most FABULOUS friends I could ever imagine about life and the balance between contentment and restlessness. I'm appreciating the simple things and striving to keep life less busy than last year. I'm feeling motivated by my New Year's goals and the way they fit into and seem to fall in line with my own "life story" (more on that in the next post). Ah, friends, 2010 is truly off to a great start!

So, perhaps you think I was a bit chimeric in my thinking. Maybe just a tad on the ridiculous side. But, on the other hand... perhaps it takes a little of that mixed with hope to accomplish something truly great. Here's to unrealistic dreams in 2010 and the hope it takes to see them come true!

Feeling Restless....

2009-12-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling restless and intentional. Odd combination? I think so. The Christmas season is over, and what a good one 2009 was... great times with family and friends, and even a few festivities left to enjoy as the New Year rolls around.

I'm thinking today about the upcoming 2010 year. New Year's is always a big deal for me personally. As soon as Christmas has passed, I typically start to get reflective about the past year and begin to think forward to what I'd like the next year to be for me.... or rather, what I'd like to be for the next year. I typically whip out my journal and take a look at my one, five and ten year goals, and then reassess and see which goals I've met and which I've yet to achieve. I then add another few to the list and begin to look forward to the commitment of attempting to accomplish those. And then, I never again look at the list until the following year. Amazingly enough, some of my "goals" are more like "bucket list" items--things I want to accomplish in my lifetime--that are so deeply engrained in my psyche that I actually end up achieving some of them before the year ends. But, that is mere chance, because in all reality, New Years (as much as I hate to say it with my ever so idealistic intentions) is for me what it has been for many others... a time to dream big. And the year is typically a time to fail miserably.

Don't get me wrong, lots of good things happen along the way throughout the year, some on the list (as said before) and some not. But at the end of most years, I'm left feeling a bit frazzled, a bit directionless, and very unintentional.

I guess that's what this all boils down to. I want to be more intentional. In our fast-paced world, I feel like we often make lists for the sake of crossing items off as they are finished so that we can feel as if we've accomplished something, when at the end of the day... or the month... or the year, we've really DONE a lot of things, a lot of tasks, but have we accomplished anything significant, anything memorable, anything life-altering? Do we take the time to be affected (truly affected) by conversations, books, nature, individuals and life's circumstances around us? Do we end our year feeling like we've noticed themes to the lessons learned and take that to heart in a way that changes us? Do we live as beings who were created to BE instead of just DO? Do we KNOW ourselves and are we becoming the people we long desperately to be in our worlds?

I was sharing with my hubby that I have high hopes of living at a slower pace, a more intentional pace, one where I read things that really make me reflect and want to become a changed individual. He seems up to the challenge as well... we just haven't thought of what to "label" this year. A year of change? A year of introspection (that just sounds boring and self-centered)? A year of thought? Hmm.... we're still working on it... but we're looking forward to being changed this year.

And although my list of "life-changing" reading material is growing.... (see below for those on the list so far and FEEL FREE to let me know your suggestions to add!!!!) and although I'm looking forward to cutting our activity and responsibility load, I am now feeling a bit "thought out," and am excited to pick up the new Stephen King novel and read to my little heart's content. After all, January 1 isn't here yet. And I'm keeping it real.

The 2010 reading list (so far)...

Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Anne Lamott's Bird By Bird (which I don't own if anyone has a copy and wants to donate to the cause!!!)

Chanrithy Him's When Broken Glass Floats: Growing up under the Khmer Rouge

Francis Chan's Crazy Love

The Time is Now.

2009-12-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to hop on the blogging bandwagon for months now.

My friends do it. Some even make money doing it. Julie did it and now her "blog-made-into-a-book-made-into-a-movie" story inspires many women who want to make a dent and impact in their own little, and yes, ever so important worlds (if you are wondering WHAT in the world I'm talking about, please open your eyes to the cinematic world around you, and see the following http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_&_Julia).

But, most of my friends have a focus... something they are passionate about and use blogging as a means to that end. A way to inform the masses, or their little niche of people who are interested in the said subject that they are passionate about. And I envy them for being able to focus on one thing they are passionate about.

But, that's not me.

I am a stay-at-home, English major mom who is passionate about many things, and writing will never be a means to an end. For me, it is the end. While my ultimate dream is to write an amazing, great American novel that stirs every individual to a passionate pursuit of something good and true...

...let's be realistic, shall we?

Throughout my life, I've gleaned many tidbits of advice regarding my dream of writing. Some have dropped by the wayside, while some have stuck with me... deeply. The one I think of most is that it takes FOCUS and DETERMINATION and DISCIPLINE to be a successful novelist. While I don't doubt that, I do find myself reading through this list and saying, (insert dramatic sigh) "That's not me," while picking up the latest novel on my nightstand and enjoying a few hundred pages, only to put the book down and feel inspired, yet creatively stilted because I am NOT writing, just reading.

So to the blogging world, aspiring writers, stay-at-home-moms, and non-existent readers (I do know you're out there!), let this be my declaration.... THE TIME IS NOW.

I don't have a plan, except to write. I don't have a goal, except to write. I don't have a deadline or a cool, planned project like Julie with her 524 recipes in 365 days, but I do have a blog... and that is my beginning.