Childlike

It is so interesting to read through the book of Acts around the Christmas season.  As I read, I picture baby Jesus as the Jesus being talked about in Acts.  The risen Jesus of power, healing, and revival is all packed in a little pint-sized babe.  

It causes me to cherish my girls even more.  I think the enemy wants parenting to feel difficult at times.  Us to be paralyzed by fear of messing up, trapped in what others may think of us, making decisions out of fear instead of worrying less and seeing our children as the little powerhouses that they are.  Little carriers of the same powerful Holy Spirit that we carry... humble babes with snotty noses, dirty diapers, temper tantrums, so unafraid, authentic and real, blatant and truthful about everything they feel and think, in awe and wonder of so many things, easily accepting supernatural truth of the wonders and mysteries of God... quite comfortable with it all.

Imagine if we could all remain that way!

One-hundred percent untarnished, completely honest and pure in our perspective of the world... untethered by twisted thinking, people pleasing, fear of failure, insecurities.  Remaining 100% confident of just how beautifully and wonderfully we are made.  Wow.  What an amazing, powerful people we would be!

Is it possible?

We don't live in a vacuum.  We are exposed to hurt and pain, to false securities that the worlds says are worthy of our lives' devotion.  We hear words that bring us down and cause us to doubt our true identity.  All this is true.

But... I refuse to stop there...

I will cling to John 14:12-14.

I will claim that power for my family.  We are powerful... we have the ability to make positive changes in our world--to love unconditionally, to heal the sick and brokenhearted, to bring beauty and inspiration to our own corners of the world, to remind others that they ARE important, beautiful & worthy.

So, today I honor the children.  May we attempt to become like them.  They are powerful world changers right now... as they are.  Jesus, a very babe--divinity dwelling in a child.

Is it possible?  You bet it is.

 

    

Two Days

Two days.  Saturday and Sunday.  Lots of life.  Time together and with others.  Here are some pictures that capture a bit of it all.  Thinking also of the moments not captured on film: the gift of a big "comfort" meal with new friends, chatting over coffee & tea after the girls are in bed... learning more about their lives.  Seeing salmon at the river.  Puzzles and books.  A bit of crocheting.  Sunday naps.  A movie with Maddie.  Feeling full and thankful.

i guess the leaves finally do change here.  it even smelled like fall... ahh.

walks and bike rides in the park.  exploring everything around us.

some "nature." we ended up taking lots of nature home.

harper at the park.  wanting to walk everywhere now!

maddie swinging. still amazed at how high she can go all by herself! oh, what 

happens in that summer after turning 5.

a fun new hair style.

game time with daddy.

painting pumpkins!

33 Years In: A Declaration

Here I am.  Thirty-three years into this journey and loving it.

There is so much to be thankful for over the past year.  Thinking back to November 2011 when Brad first visited Bethel... so much has happened.  God, we are experiencing your powerful love in so many new ways.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all and praying for the truth of it all to sink deeply into my heart and affect my day-to-day life greatly.  I find myself learning to dwell on the past and my "fails" less and instead, repent and quickly turn my eyes to You.  With our eyes focused on you, Lord, we recognize that the atmosphere we walk in (the Holy Spirit living in us- carrying your presence) is always so much greater than any problems we face.  When my eyes slip from You and focus more on the problems of life, it can quickly become about me and what I (in my own strength) can or can't do, instead of what YOU empower ME to do with your strength.

So, on this, my thirty-third year, I am declaring that...
This year will be greater than the last.  This year will be a year of hope, thankfulness & joy.  When I have a rough day and find my eyes slipping from You, I will practice thankfulness.

When I feel a bit of hopelessness creeping in, I will stop and provide space to simply be with You, wallow in Your goodness and realign my identity to a place defined by Your great love for me, instead of my attempts to love You.

When I find myself taking life too seriously, I will ask for more joy and remind myself of the bigger picture... and probably put on some loud music & declare a family dance party too. :)

This year I will love recklessly and without fear.  I will speak truth over myself, my family and others in place of lies we may be believing.  I will step out in faith, knowing your love for others through me is so important and always worth it.  I will choose to see, remember & speak life instead of death.  I will recognize your abundant blessings and give to others from that abundant place.

I will not put you in a box, God.  I will ask You what you're dreaming about, listen, see how we fit into it and dream boldly with You.  I will recognize what unique gifts you've placed in Brad and our two beautiful girls and I will celebrate them with uninhibited joy.  I will give grace to others and be thankful for the graciousness in those around me.

I will let You love me abundantly and rest in it... because it is what You love to do.

Psalm 103:1-5

Sweet, Sticky Moments

We were headed out for a few days, just the girls and I.  For MANY reasons and turns of events, I was beginning to wonder if we were truly supposed to be moving toward our destination.  Everything seemed to be working against us successfully making it there.  The "icing on the cake of bad karma" manifested itself in a spilled sugary smoothie in the front seat of the car.

I like a clean car and the mounting frustration I felt was NOT oozing away as I watched the bright yellow mango concoction seep between the front passenger seat and drip to the floor below.  I asked Maddie to stand to the side of the car, safe in the parking lot and out of my way as I furiously took to cleaning the seat with the last few baby wipes in our travel container.  The brief thought of having to make yet another stop for more wipes crossed my mind amidst my growing frustration and Harper's increasingly loud screams. 

My irritation was evidently felt by Maddie who had quietly edged closer to the car door in order to watch the cleaning unfold.  I stepped back with handfuls of smoothie and stepped right on her toes.  For the third time, I firmly walked her back to the spot I'd originally asked her to stay in.  She was quiet.  Getting back to cleaning, I noticed a look of consternation pass Maddie's face and realized that she was receiving the brunt of my frustration.  Although not willingly directed at her, I HAD asked her to get the smoothie out of the front seat so we could throw it away (because to top this all off, the mango smoothie was fiercely disgusting) so in the end, she was the one who had spilled it.  I was frustrated and she, understandably, interpreted the frustration as being directed toward her.

Once the situation was resolved- sticky smoothie cleaned up, Harper finally calm- I gently pulled Maddie toward me and apologized for being frustrated.  I explained that I wasn't frustrated at her, that it wasn't her fault.  Looking for someone or something to blame (because that's what we tend to do, right?), I quickly assured her it was my fault for asking her to get the smoothie-- indeed it was a tough task for a 5-year old. 

She laughed a bit.  "Mom," she said tentatively, "you know... it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.  It just happened."  Now we were both smiling, then laughing. 

"Girl, you are so right!" I said.  "It's not our fault... it's the nasty smoothie's fault!"

Maddie laughed, to appease me.  She then replied with her "old soul wisdom" that I love so much about her, "Mom, let's not call it nasty.  Those people worked really hard to make it, even though it doesn't taste good to us." 

At this point, tears were at the edge of my eyes as I hugged her, told her I loved her and thanked her for teaching me a super important lesson.

Sometimes things just happen.  It's not about figuring out "whose fault it was," seeking out justification.  It's about how we connect with others in the sticky moments of life and who we become as a result.

In the end, isn't that what it's ALL about... really?

Yet, Joy

Isn't it interesting how our circumstances dictate our mood?

Maybe it's not true of you... but it often is of me.  How was your day today?  Brad will ask when he gets home from work.  My response 95% of the time seems to be based on WHAT happened.

I accomplished so much of my "to do" list and the girls behaved exactly as I had wished, so my day was fabulous.  Or, Harper was fussier than normal, so my day was OK.  Maddie was a bit more sassy than normal, so it was rough.  A friend and I cried over a broken situation, so it was terrible.

Joy quickly sapped, I can become gloomy, inner-focused and downright icky to be around.  My day is defined by that... then, life.

I hold in HIGH regard, the ability to provide space for us to process through grief and hardship, questions and pain.

There are definitely days that are HAPPIER than others.

But what about joy?  Joy as opposed to happiness.

When I think of joy, I think of a deep limitless well bubbling up with a constant supply of fresh water.  It's available.   Deep.  Present and peaceful.  It's foundational.

And... I would say, more often than not, it's a choice.

In the midst of all life has to offer, do we truly have the ability to CHOOSE joy?  Dare I say, I think so.

What will I choose?  Will I choose to be brought down by circumstances or will I choose something else?  Something that can completely redefine my circumstances... even the not-so happy ones.

I don't know about you, but I want that deep, strong, peace-bringing and life-giving JOY.

I believe God celebrates (dances even perhaps) daily over us.  Over all of creation.  Over his world.  Does his heart break for hurt and pain?  Yes.

Yet, joy.

Joy that it is all coming to pass as it should.

Joy that people are healed and forgiveness is given.

Joy that new life is happening each day.

The joy that creation declares on a moment-by-moment basis.

Joy that comes straight from the bubbling source, our Father God.  Beautiful, loving, full of grace.

And living in us.  Available each day in raw Holy Spirit form.

I WANT THAT.  And more of it.  Farewell, feelings of defeat and disdain.  Hello, Holy Spirit, living in me, able to do far more than we ever think or imagine.
 
Yep.  I choose joy.

You

This weekend I think of you.  I probably will for the rest of my life. 

Saint Patrick's Day will always be a reminder.  The week after Maddie's birthday.  Seven days after we celebrate the birth of our first born and are supposed to be out eating a traditional Irish meal and drinking green beer, I'll be quietly remembering.

Some years will be more painful than others.  This year is one of those years.  More so than last year.  Last year I was pregnant with Harper.  Anticipating and looking forward to her birth.  This year I'm not and I find myself a bit more nostalgic.  Sometimes a bit sad. 

I shed a few tears for you this weekend my love.  I sat in the still of the morning when the rest of the family was still sleeping and I closed my eyes and imagined.  You would be eighteen months old.  Beginning to talk more, walking everywhere and oh so curious about the world around you. 

This year, I realize more than ever that you could legitimately exist in our family unit.  Maddie, just turned 5.  You, 18 months and Harper, 7 months.  It would mean I would have been pregnant two short months after giving birth to you. Something that in the past I may have scoffed at and openly wondered how to handle.  But something that now, I'll hopefully never do.  Life is too precious.  No matter when it occurs.  It's such a sweet gift.

I wish we would have named you.  But, at the same time, I feel as if we can't.  I wish we knew whether you were a boy or a girl.  I wonder if your eyes would have been blue like both of your sisters'.  I wonder all these things and many more...

You help me to appreciate life.  Even when it's difficult.  Because life, no matter how messy or hard, is still life and that is such a gift.

I'm quite confident that someday I'll meet you.  That makes me happy.  Until then, on this weekend each year, I'll remember.  I'll stop.  I'll appreciate.  For this is the weekend we lost you... before we even met you.  And to some, that makes the loss easier, or less, but in so many ways, it makes me miss you even more.

Five

To Maddie~

Well, my darling baby girl... you are 5.

Gone are the days of babyhood and toddlerhood, in your own little world, you have arrived!  And, you're already anticipating 6. :)

You are so excited to be big and "grown up."  You can't wait to be old enough to go into the woods by yourself, drive a car, get married, have a baby (as long as no shots are involved).  You are independent, recently, easily embarrassed.  You love laughter, but want to be reassured that no one is laughing at your expense or anyone else's.  You love to play pretend!  Most of your sentences these days begin with, "You can be... and I can be..." (inserting any name of Barbies, princesses, fantastical creatures or woodland animals).  You are 5 and you love it.

You look forward to kindergarten and I must say, you seem so ready for it.  You use big words and when you're unsure of the context, you ask, learn, lock it in and use it correctly the next go 'round.  You are fiercely independent, yet still like having us around... to play with, read with & snuggle or rub your back.

Most days now I feel like we parent you well.  And on the days where we mess up and are still learning, please forgive us.  I am daily trying to embody and embrace your little worldview, as I feel God wants to continue to teach me much through you, my lovely.

You talk to Him on a regular basis now and often He talks back to you.  Sometimes you share what he tells you and it carries me for days.  Sometimes you don't and I smile because I love that too.

Most days I have no regrets, but when I do, I hope I haven't pushed you too hard or too far... you already at times seem to demand that of yourself.  I hope I have embraced your creative and bubbly, energetic, talkative self often and fully enough.

I hope (above all), you feel peace in your home, with us and that you know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) how deeply and unconditionally you are loved... just the way you are!

Happy Birthday my amazing lady.

Love,
Mommy

{Waiting patiently for the party guests to arrive}

So Much More

"Hello... this is the Ussher's phone.  Can I help you?"

(pause)Oh, um, yes!  I was just hoping to catch Jamie.

"Ah. Yes.  Clint and Jamie are out to lunch.  I am sitting with Evee and Iris.  I expect them back in half an hour.  Whom shall I tell them called?" 

Oh!  This is Amanda.

"Very well.  Are you calling from the States?"

Yes...

~~~

Because what do you say to the sweet woman on the other end of the telephone.  The one who is halfway around the world, watching two little sweet girls who mean so much to you?

A million and one thoughts raced through my mind.

I could have said, "OH!  That's so wonderful!  I know you have no idea who I am, but thank you for sitting with Evee and Iris so that Clint and Jamie can get some time out.  That is so important."

Or, how about...

"Please give sweet Iris a big kiss and hug.  And, if you don't mind, could you put Evee on the phone?  I'd love to tell her how often Maddie (that's my daughter) has asked me to point out New Zealand on a globe because she wants to remember again where she lives now.  And I'd LOVE to hear that cute little British accent that she has already picked up."

Or, how about...

"That's great!  What are you all doing right now?  Because Evee seems to enjoy playing dress up and pretending she's a princess or a fairy.  That's how she and Maddie spent their days when they were here with us for two weeks before starting their journey in New Zealand.  They are very dear friends of ours."

Or even...

"I truly appreciate you and your involvement in their lives so far.  I hope you become a dear friend to Jamie and that the two of you can have many encouraging conversations.  Maybe we'll meet someday and I too can sit and have conversations with you!  But, until then, thanks again for being so involved and willing to watch their girls.  I hope it brings joy to your heart to be with Evee and Iris... because they are amazing little ladies.  You do know that, right?"

But instead, I stuck with...

"Thank you."

I HOPE she realized through those two simple words, how her voice when she answered the phone unexpectedly had brought me great peace.  Peace in knowing that they are there, settling in, making connections and community, already allowing themselves to be known, while unknowingly affecting and drawing others into the love and peace they live so well.  

Peace in knowing that God provides.  Everywhere and anywhere.  Always.

And I HOPE she sensed the love, respect and deep appreciation I already had for her... this woman I'd never met, 18 hours away, already living her Thursday, while I'm closing out my Wednesday.

Yes.  Sometimes a "thank you" is full of so much more.

A Grateful Heart

Amidst the fullness of life, I find myself drawn to stop, sit and write.

Although I have many things to do today, many fun, little plans for my three Valentine sweethearts, I find that the thing I'm MOST reflective of this Valentine's Day is how full and grateful my heart is.... in light of His deep love and endearing presence God has shown me over and over in the past two-three months.

~~~

Miss Harper:

I look at this little lady who turned 6 months on the 11th and am still in awe of the fact that she is ours.  What a sign of God's blessing she is to us!

This picture captures our current phase with her... the baby food.  Although she is exclusively eating prunes, now three weeks into her food journey (for reasons left unsaid, but ones I'm sure you can figure out) and although MOST days I catch myself wishing we could completely skip this phase and move straight into table foods, she is VERY interested in food, and often makes satisfied noises while eating.  So... my laziness has taken a backseat, and we've jumped headlong into this messy journey.  And amidst the mess, there is such life in watching her develop into a little lady... baby food, mess, constipation and all. :)

She is such a joyful baby... so happy and content just observing and being with the three of us.

~~~

Miss Maddie:

And THIS picture seems to capture our eldest oh so well, don't you agree? :) She is our almost-five-year-old (will turn 5 on March 10), whose spunk, personality, compassion and curiosity grows with each passing day.

I am constantly learning from her.  I find myself so pleasantly surprised each time she cries with others, notices when someone is left out, and loves her friends oh so well.  She truly is a compassionate child, in tune with others and the feelings they have.  Wow.  Sometimes she blows me away with the things she says and does.

And of course, as most ALL 5 year olds, we have full doses of extreme silliness and spunkiness each day.  And that too, I am learning to fully embrace.  God shows me over and over what he means when he says to "become like a child."  In Maddie, I am reminded to stop. enjoy. cease. forget about the "to do list" and just love life.

~~~

And of course, when I find myself full of thanks for these two, I find myself equally full of thanks for my lover, best friend and father of both of these beauties.

Brad:

Oh... so many things I am thankful for in him this year!

Our home feels so peaceful due to his demeanor and manner in approaching life.  He has such a gentle, fun-loving, not afraid to joke around and play hard approach with the girls that I love.  They clearly adore him.  I love watching Harper's face light up in the evenings when he comes home, and the way Maddie runs to greet him, anxious for him to take her off on an "adventure" in their imaginative play.

Somehow, without saying a word, he seems to draw the best out of me.  There's something about him that makes me want to do well; create peace; and love one another, our girls, family, friends and others passionately.

His love and hunger for God and seeing the Holy Spirit's presence in our lives acknowledged each and every moment of every day is refreshing and challenging at the same time.  I am so thankful for both aspects.

His loyalty to me and the amazing journey we've been on so far... with our ten-year anniversary coming up this year, I am soooo thankful for this man by my side and for the fact that God knew us both so well and knew the way we would partner and parent and approach life together.  Each year, I find we make more and more sense together.  And in that, I find comfort and peace.

To you three, my lovely Valentines, my heart is so grateful.  I love you.

A Farewell of Sorts

I've been drafting this post in my mind for months.

Although, I never actually envisioned it as a post.  A letter, yes.  Spoken and unspoken words, yes.  But, never a post.  Yet, here I am... writing it anyway.

The questions in my mind for over the past year really (because that's when the countdown began) have been...

:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye? and...  

:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say?

After ruminating over these questions, here are the answers I've so wisely and accurately accumulated.
:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye? 
(you don't) 
and...
:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say? 
(no, there aren't)

So, let it be said that I'm not saying goodbye, because time has proven that we actually CAN grow closer with distance.  And time has also proven that we DO stay in touch and take efforts to see one another as regularly as we can.  For those reasons and more, this is instead, a "farewell of sorts."

Because although I'm not saying goodbye, something must be said to the friends who taught us how to "write an adventure" for our children.  The friends who inspired us to parent our littles in a way that fits who we are as people.  The friends who gave us the name of the book that started us dreaming of what we wanted our family life to look like.  The friends who welcomed us into their new community readily and easily.  The friends who were always comfortable staying in our home, cooking with us or for us, encouraging our biggest little and loving/snuggling with our littlest.  The friends we couldn't wait to share news with.  The friends who supported in my own doubts, questions and fears.

And specifically to you, the sister I never had...
For teaching me how to live peacefully and be a contented encourager to my husband.  For being oh so comfortable with who you are and who God is- regardless of the season of life.  For sharing in our heartaches and sorrows.  For our labor and delivery dreams (and realities)... and helping me laugh and be OK with it all. :-)  For sharing the blog that inspired the name.  For encouraging my writing.  For conversations over coffee... in the midst of all the fullness of life.  More recently, for teaching me to crochet.  For the amazing scone recipe... and for making them for me when I was sick.  For appreciating the dramatic. And just for knowing, in so many seasons and so many times.

all because of Him

note found in prayer room

me & you

a bit of yummy comfort

We love you.
We wish you the best.
We are praying fervently and
we can't WAIT to hear (oh, and to visit). :-)

Perspective

The phone call immediately put me in a sour mood.

My OB office called this morning.  Two weeks ago, my doctor had seen what she deemed enough progress for us to go ahead and schedule an induction on August 11th.  Two days from today.  Last week, since my doctor was on vacation, I saw a nurse practicioner.  She seemed to think a bit differently from my doctor.  Now my doctor would like to see me again tomorrow for an exam to determine whether or not it's a good idea to go ahead with the induction on Thursday.

What?  My spirit dampened a bit.  We had our hearts set on Thursday, August 11th.  Although I've found myself going back and forth, doubting that decision a bit, I was still sooo anticipating that day as the day we'd finally get to meet this new life.

I said goodbye to my husband as he left for work... with a smile and a kiss he tried to encourage me.  I still found myself a tad bitter and resentful about it all.  I tried to proceed with my morning and encourage myself to keep looking forward.

I quickly put a pot of boiling water on the stove for coffee, grabbed a basketful of laundry, turned on some encouraging praise and worship music, sat at the kitchen table to fold clothes and chat with our four-year old as she colored.  It only took about 30 seconds.

Perspective was gained.

It had been one year ago, almost to the day.  We had learned, to our ever hopeful hearts, that after losing one child in March, we again, were facing a failed pregnancy and losing another baby.  This time, we soon discovered, a baby girl.  Emerson Jayne.

Cherish THIS moment.

The words were a whisper with the passing winds outside on this beautiful, cooler summer morning.

I felt the tears come quickly to my eyes.  With the kicks of this, perhaps not-yet-ready to arrive babe :) and the sweet voice of our beautiful growing Maddie explaining with pride about her colorful, rainbow horse she'd just colored, I was reminded to be thankful for now.

This moment.  This time with her of peace as I waited for the water to boil, accomplishing a simple, yet necessary task of folding our laundry, thankful in that moment for my iPhone with a wide array of music to fit many occasions.

Perspective gained... I'm thankful.  So ever thankful.  For what was.... what is to come.... and especially for right now.

Writing Workshop

I know... it has been entirely too long!  I often wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a blogger.  I sure don't keep up with it much at all.  I long to.  But, I long for so many other things as well that take my time and attention.  All good things (or at least most of the time), but things that distract from the discipline of writing nonetheless.

Knowing this is true of myself, I signed up for a six-week online writing course.  I'm loving it.  And it's very difficult.  It's forcing me to be disciplined because there are "due dates" I have to meet in order to not let down my fellow co-writers.  It's so good, and so hard.

Here's a piece I worked on for the first two weeks of the workshop... It's long.  And yes, I cut and paste the entire thing on here. Don't feel obligated to read it all.  But if you choose to, thank you. :)

~~~~

     I felt very motherly. I had just fed my 3-month old nephew and was watching my four-year old, in the room next door coloring, when I felt the flutters of the new life growing within. The flutters felt more like kicks this time, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my nephew felt them too. I was comfortably perched on the couch, feet on the coffee table, knees bent, and he was nestled with his head between my knees, facing me. It’s one of my favorite times with newborns, freshly fed, ever-so happy and ready to interact. The kick produced an instant smile and giggle from him. Could it be that he was aware of what was going on?
     

     Feeling a sudden pang for the lone big sister-to-be, I steered my attention toward checking in with her in the adjacent room.
“How are you doing in there girlie?” A pause.
“Fine mom.”
“Would you like to come in here in and color?” Another thoughtful pause.
“No. I just want some time to myself. I’m OK.”
The transformation is nothing short of amazing. She went from being completely dependent upon us for her every need, to a little person with her own ambitions and desires. She was a little girl, who in this very moment, just needed some time to herself. This was my lovely, my sweet, sweet girl and she was growing up. 

     Just last week, I was able to spend time at the ocean. A few peaceful days, just my husband and I. I was able to walk every morning on the beach. During those walks, I watched families collecting sea shells, slowly and quietly waking with each sandy step. I was reminded of idyllic summer vacations with my family at the beach. I remember my fears of the ocean as a small child. I'd finally venture out, play in the fierce waves and slowly begin to feel comfortable. Sun-drenched and carefree, I'd never see the wave coming as it knocked me over. I'd feel the rough sand on my legs, the sting of salt water in my eyes and somehow blindly crying, make it back to my mom, ever ready with a fresh towel and water.

     
     Fear.
     

     Would I be able to love her enough, in the way she needs me to? Would she know how amazing she is to us even with a new little one in our lives? Would she be able to come to me with her deepest fears and worries? Would she always remember that although we love them both the same, we loved her first? God gave her to us first? That even the order of our little ones’ births is a part of this great plan?


     I took a deep breath and in an instant it felt as if I were standing on the shore of the ocean again, breathing in the freshness that always comes for me when close to an expanse in creation much greater than myself. It smelled clean and salty at the same time. Refreshing and yet a bit scary, a bit unknown. In that moment the word that came quickly to my mind was singular and precise.

     Surrender.

     
     My fears are held in the hands of a Creator who also holds the fierce and raw power of the oceans. Will the fear of the one destructive wave cripple me? No. Indeed, the beauty of surrender is found in the sun-drenched, carefree, childlike wonder of the unknown.

     
     As I watch, I see her independent little hands moving rapidly across the page, the markers smearing together on her arm in a rainbow of her efforts. She concentrates, putting all of her little being into creating her masterpiece. One of her legs is tucked under her and another dangling below, swinging a good six inches from the ground. Her still-pudgy toes and feet are swinging in rhythm to her methodical coloring. She is not afraid.

     
     I breathe it in deeply, inhaling the smells of a fresh-new baby in my lap, powder and milk, mixed with the lingering smells of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from our lunch we’d had earlier that day. The sticky lunch that she’d asked me to wipe from her little fingers. With them spread wide, she looked, unsure of how exactly to manage it by herself, and confident that mommy would be there to help.

     
     I taste salt. I sigh deeply. It takes me a moment to realize that the salt is from my tears... tasting just like the ocean air. And there I am again, standing before the powerful beauty of the expansive ocean, fully surrendered.

20 Words

A friend and I have been experimenting.

For the past month, we've been blogging each week on a joint blog with the goals of living, appreciating, connecting and refining.  In life, relationships and everything in between.  You could almost say it's been like "texting" one another each weekend summing up our thoughts for the week on a certain word.

For the first month, our word was "words."  We focused on this word each week and then blogged our thoughts in exactly 20 words (to keep it short, thoughtful and manageable).  Our thoughts on "words" ranged from saying too much, choosing our words, hurtful words, words being unable to capture certain moments, anticipation of words, others' words deeply changing us, etc...

It was such a fruitful exercise!  I feel like I was very aware for the month of December of my words (good and bad).  I'm looking forward to our year ahead with this project as we kick off January blogging about "possibility."

So, in closing of 2010, a few of my thoughts about my own words...

• I often use too many
• When said in angry moments, without thinking them through, they are ALWAYS hurtful
• Sometimes I don't need them (even if I think I do)
• Some moments are more beautiful without them
• I love reading and writing them!
• Others' spoken into my life can be so encouraging & life-giving... and these I cherish
• There is room for faith and trust in the anticipation of words
• Even if words haven't been exchanged for AGES, it's okay & often a beautiful exchange when you pick back up where you left off

I love them... everything about them.  So many stories to be told!  May I tell a few in 2011 and be blessed to hear many more...

Other Plans

It was so quiet, yet so very familiar.  I almost dropped the book and glass I was carrying.  Could it be?  Was I hearing your voice after so long?

I listened again.

There it was.  Quiet, yet strong... "Put it down.  I have other plans."

I laid the book down and turned to walk down the stairs.  I almost couldn't do it.  I turned back for the book and there the voice was again, "No. Leave it.  I have other plans."

I put on my shoes quickly and almost skipped down the stairs.  I was joyful.  Anxious to hear from you.  I think I was smiling.

I hopped on the treadmill, ready to walk and ready for the "other plans."  Thirsty for your voice, your words.  The familiar that I thought I'd lost long ago.

I walked and my mind said, "Hey there.  What are you thinking of tonight?"

I was anticipating it would take several minutes or longer for your response.  It had been a while since we'd talked.  I'd always known you were there, yet you'd been so distant.  Or I had... or something...  We'd been apart, not as close, yet feeling closer than ever in the midst of the distance.  The silence.  The questions.  Is that even possible?

There was no hesitation.  You responded quickly.

"Mama."

It's what my lovely has been calling me lately.  Not mommy, or mom.  It's been Mama, for the past several weeks.

I was a bit surprised and my mind instantly started trying to interpret.  But, I didn't need to.  You spoke again.

"It's endearing to hear her call you that isn't it?  There is something very sweet about it."

I nodded yes in response.

"Did you know that it's me?"

WHAT? My mind was reeling.

"When she says 'Mama,' that's me touching your heart.  That's me saying you WERE created for this.  You ARE enough.  You ARE adequate."

The tears were streaming down my face.  I knew it was true.  This really was His voice.  After so long.  It was so strong, so familiar, so comforting.

"She adores you, you know?  She wants so much to make you happy.  Cherish that."

The tears wouldn't stop.  I almost had to stop walking.

He's here.  He always has been.  And he always will be.  My Sustainer.  Using my lovely to touch my heart, to reach me.

He is beautiful.

Life as Story

Looking at our lives as stories, it's no wonder to me why words are significant.

We must have words to communicate... to explain... to ask... to express.

Most times, I don't find that I'm at a loss for words.  Usually it's quite the opposite!

I listen so much in my job.  

At home, at times, I feel as if I'm vomiting out words upon words.

I find it easy to use the 'listening in my job' as my excuse

as to why I 'vomit' (pardon me) these words at home.

Words upon words become quite meaningless very quickly.

How often do my words quickly hurt, tear down, hate?

Instead of... encourage, build up, love, bring life?

Tonight I appreciated some moments of silence and reflection on my words throughout the day.  I even asked Brad for feedback on some words I'd used and what words he might have used instead.

And there.  In that moment, we were partnering well.

As I think about my day, I find myself hoping that I can use words sparingly and instead of... 

looking to write my own story, 

be aware of and tap into the greater story that I am a part of already.

Sometimes a Girl Needs a Cupcake

And in this case the "girl" is me, not Maddie.

In the midst of painful moments, moments we don't understand, I've found that attempting to create a memorable and sweet moment helps me ever so much. So that's what I do, if I'm capable in that moment to do so.

I wanted to create one of those sweet moments a few days ago. Literally, a wrapper full of one ooey, gooey sugary sweet moment. I was desperately craving a lemon cupcake. I sat looking at a new cookbook at all the lemon recipes for about 45 minutes before I realized I hadn't turned the page and well... baking obviously just wasn't going to happen right then. But do take a look at this amazing cookbook! It's called Apples to Jam. It's a beautifully illustrated cookbook and it's arranged by color. LOVE IT.

With the baking option thrown out the window, I was in luck. My favorite cupcake shop of all time DOES make lemon cupcakes.

Here's the description of the cupcake called "Pucker Up" taken from their website (you can find these amazing creations at http://www.theflyingcupcakebakery.com/. Anyway, here's the description: Lemon chiffon cake filled with lemon cream and topped with lemon butter cream icing.

It was exactly what I was envisioning... and equally delightful for my tastebuds.

I woke Maddie from her "refreshing nap" as she said (so sweet) and she was a bit thrown off, but quite excited when I asked her if she wanted to put on her frilly pink princess dress and get dessert before dinner. After she woke up all the way, her answer was a giggly, "YES!!!"

So, princess-dress-clad sweet Maddie and I make our way to The Flying Cupcake at 5 PM where we enjoyed our "dessert before dinner." Of course, I've included a few pictures. Too cute not to do so.

To top off the evening, we arrived at home to a "care package" from my sister-in-law, Amy. It included a bottle of wine (saving that yummyness for later), a honey scented bath fizz ball (used 1/2 of it that night... ahhh), three of her favorite funny movies, two funny Chelsea Handler books, and (here's the kicker)...

a box full of homemade red-velvet, chocolate chip, cream cheese iced.... you guessed it, CUPCAKES.

In that moment I felt so understood. The cupcake that gave me a sweet moment with my little girl and a bit of comfort in the midst of sorrow was exactly what my sister-in-law knew would provide that for me. Sweetness all around.

{my sweet moment with my lovely}

That's when the tears came. A little bit of healing and a little bit of grief in the midst of feeling ever so loved. This is just one example of all the amazing ways my friends and family have shown their support during this time. I am so truly blessed. It is continuously blowing me away.

Because sometimes a girl just needs a little love wrapped in a cupcake.

ps. If you're wondering what my "sorrow" is, don't worry, the time will come to share. Right now I'm cherishing sweet moments and taking it one day at a time.

pps. The "Red Velvet Elvis" cupcakes from the shop are my favorite flavor. Amy's were moister and definitely made with love. Yes, I just used the word, "moister."

It's the Little Things...

....that often mean so much! In writing that title without giving it much thought, not only was I just transported to my college days of listening to Old Charlotte and now have their song "Little Things" running through my mind, but I find I'm short on words today. Correction. Short on words for the past few months.

I have been enjoying life this summer and all the small pleasures and blessings that come along with it. Without many words.

One day the "little thing" may be the fact that I spent $1.50 on a tall coffee from Starbucks only to be given a "treat receipt" (thank God they brought those back!) for a $2 cold beverage after 2 PM. That's right, ANY cold beverage. So, of course I get the iced carmel machiatto. Bringing my grand total coffee purchase for the day from $1.50 to $3.50. Justified by the fact that had I purchased it sans "treat receipt" my total would have been close to $6.50.

Wow Starbucks. You are smart marketers. And that means I... am... a...

...sucked-in-consumer.

I cherished the drink and the 15 minutes of reading my newest novel in the car, in our driveway while Maddie slept.

One day the "little thing" may be the fact that on our family walk (to which she opted for her power wheels 4-wheeler instead of her feet) :) around the neighborhood Madde said joyously, "I LOVE this WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!" with her arms spread-eagle.


One day the "little thing" may be learning how to can blueberries and make jam with my mom & my daughter.


One day the "little thing" may be seeing new mommies-to-be and their growing bellies and the hopeful anticipation on their faces as they await parenthood.

Today, it's the french press that I invested in to make ever so fabulous coffee each morning. And the dinner cooking in the crock-pot... and the beautiful flowers outside.


Yes. Those are the "little things..."

today.

Real Mothers

Good morning! I realize it has been AGES since I last wrote. A lot has been happening in our world these days. Between the trip to Cambodia and Thailand (which was amazing) and the sad news of losing a baby that was set to arrive on September 30th (not so amazing---although God has been teaching me tons through it), blogging hasn't been at the top of my list.

But, I have been thinking the last few days of hardship and freedom in Christ. Specifically, freedom in parenting IN Christ. I'm still wrapping my mind around lots of thoughts, but was struck by this passage in the new Jodi Picoult book I've been reading. I hope it touches your heart the way it touched mine. It sure addresses the realities of parenting in our culture! It is my hope that reading this passage frees you from being held to these insecurities we as mothers or women face on a sometimes daily basis. It is my hope that instead, you will find strength and freedom in the ONLY one who can weather the storms of life and be joy-filled as a result.

Here's the passage, and a few pics of one of my daily "joys." My do-it-yourself 3 year old filled with joy at the park. :)









And the passage. To all the "real mothers" in the world... my friends, teachers, sages and comforts...

"When did they stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

When I was little, I remember wandering the cereal aisle and picking my breakfast food based on what the reward was: a Frisbee with the Trix rabbit's face emblazoned on the front. Holographic stickers with the Lucky Charms leprechaun. A mystery decoder wheel. I could suffer through raisin bran for a month if it meant I got a magic ring at the end.

I cannot admit this out loud. IN the first place, we are expected to be supermoms these days, instead of admitting that we have flaws. It is tempting to believe that all mothers wake up feeling fresh every morning, never raise their voices, only cook with organic food, and are equally at ease with the CEO and the PTA.

Here's a secret: Those mothers don't exist. Most of us--even if we'd never confess--are suffering through the raisin bran in the hopes of a glimpse of that magic ring.

I look very good on paper. I have a family, and I write a newspaper column. In real life, I have to pick superglue out of the carpet, rarely remember to defrost for dinner, and plan to have BECAUSE I SAID SO engraved on my tombstone.

Real mothers wonder why experts who write for Parents and Good Housekeeping--and dare I say it, the Burlington Free Press--seem to have their acts together all the time when they themselves can barely keep their heads above the stormy seas of parenthood.

Real mothers don't just listen with humble embarrassment to the elderly lady who offers unsolicited advice in the checkout line when a child is throwing a tantrum. We take the child, dump him in the lady's cart, and say, 'Great. Maybe YOU can do a better job.'

Real mothers know that it's okay to eat cold pizza for breakfast.

Real mothers admit it is easier to fail at this job than to succeed.

If parenting is the box of raisin bran, then real mothers know the ratio of flakes to fun is severely imbalanced. For every moment that your child confides in you, or tells you he loves you, or does something unprompted to protect his brother that you happen to witness, there are many more moments of chaos, error, and self-doubt.

Real mothers may not speak the heresy, but they sometimes secretly wish they'd chosen something for breakfast other than this endless cereal.

Real mothers worry that other mothers will find that magic ring, whereas THEY'LL be looking and looking for ages.

Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one."

A Spattering of Nothing Characteristic of Me...

I honestly can't believe I'm writing a post about organization. Sometimes I feel like the most unorganized person! But, this year, we came to a realization that we needed to begin to simplify and organize our life a bit more. Specifically in the area of finances. Wow. I'm actually getting bored as I write this! Sorry! So, I'll make it quick and just let you know that 2010 has been significantly changed by this simple tool...



I used a simple sectioned file folder (this one happens to be Real Simple brand), and split it into 6 sections
1. Handle ASAP (for important things to be addressed NOW)
2. Bills 1-15
3. Bills 16-30
4. Appointments
5. Tithe
6. Receipts

When I get our mail I sort it into one of the 6 sections. In addition, I place cards/notes on the refrigerator temporarily. If the piece of mail doesn't fit one of those categories, it goes in the trash. This has made for a smooth transition into 2010. So, if the bills need to be paid sometime from the 1st-15th, it goes in that tab, and I pay these bills online on the first. If they need to be paid sometime from the 16th-30th, it goes in that tab, and I pay those bills online on the fifteenth. Any appointments (dentist, optometrist, etc...) go in the appointment tab and it's each of our responsibilities to check and stay on top of those for ourselves. The tithe tab is where I file all of our correspondence with mission organizations, non-profits and other organizations or individuals that we give to on a monthly basis. I also pay these online on the 1st or the 15th when I'm paying the bills. The receipts tab is for any purchases using our debit card, so we can keep track of money coming out of checking.

In addition to this simple folder, my fabulous husband created our 2010 budget while I was out to breakfast with a friend. Oh, yes, what a great hubby he is! I HATE creating budgets. Anyway, we log our spending weekly and are keeping track of things MUCH better than we did last year... I can already see and feel a difference.

New Year's "Resolutions"
So... although I talked in a previous post about Donald Miller's New Year's "write your narrative" instead of "resolutions" challenge, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how that plays out for me... I do plan to think and perhaps write more, but until then, I wanted to share a few of my hopes and goals for 2010.

1. Read at least 30 non-fiction spiritual growth, writing, or blogging (you know, make-me-a-stronger-better person) books
2. Strive for simplicity (fleshed out much more in my journal, but for here & now, this will suffice)
3. Blog/journal at least twice a week
4. Exercise 3 times a week
5. Clean up budget/finances "system" (yeah for a head start on this one!!!)
6. Limit time online to 30 minutes/day outside of blogging
7. Dialogue at least once a month with friends (listed in journal) to keep me accountable to acting on this list & other "stirrings" in my soul & heart


Ahh.... although I have been wanting to blog about all that, it really was a bit painful! Like I said, this kind of writing is uncharacteristic, and a tad counterintuitive to me. So, now that I've shared what I feel I need to about the start of 2010, I can look forward with anticipation to finally beginning to do what I've been longing to with this blog... WRITE ANYWAY.

I realize that the purpose of this blog should have been outlined in my first post, but I rarely do things that way! And anyway, I honestly don't think I was even certain WHAT the purpose of this blog was at that time. But now, I think I know. At least for the time being...
Let this be my tag line...
In the midst of life and all responsibilities, in the middle of a mile-long "to do" list, in the buzz of societal pressures to stay busy and press onward, I'M WRITING ANYWAY. Even though I have big dreams, and yet daily feel unsure of how to write creatively and allow the words in my heart to be put on paper (or the blogosphere) ;), I'M WRITING ANYWAY.

Although I might occasionally have "uncharacteristic" writings, or posts about life, simple stories about our family or the great new pair of shoes I happened across at the mall... that's OK because I'M WRITING ANYWAY...

Made From Scratch Moments: Letters & Weddings

I'm pretty sure that it came from a movie or a book--which or what, I cannot remember, but I often remind our little lovely just how special and fabulous she is by saying, "You were 'made from scratch.' For example, when riding her bike and forgetting to put her helmet on, I might say, "Put your helmet on to protect your head, since it was made from scratch." Or, "Be gentle with yourself, Dad and I made you from scratch!"

So... I've decided that all my posts regarding her will be titled beginning with, "Made from Scratch Moments..." With that said, here is the first.

Yesterday I was taking complete and utter joy in watching her get ever-so excited about writing her letters on some "guided" sheets that she received for Christmas. There was such excitement and anticipation as she concentrated on getting it just right. And oh, the pride and celebration that followed each letter. There was a lot of holding her hands out in exultation with a big grin plastered on her face. It was so sweet. I was reminded how we get so involved in life that we forget to celebrate the small successes that we see--whether it be in our own lives or the lives of those around us. Why NOT celebrate each letter instead of only the finished word or page?







Second Moment....

Today she started talking about her wedding. I asked her a few questions about it and here's how the conversation played out from there.

Me: You got married?
The little bride: Yes, last night.
Me: Wow. Tell me more about it.
The little bride: Dinosaurs were there!
Me: That's amazing.
The little bride: Uh-huh.
Me: What did it look like? What was everyone wearing?
The little bride: Fancy dresses. (gleam of excitement in her eye and said in an intense whisper) And everyone was spinning... like this (proceeded to demonstrate).
Me: That sounds so fun!
The little bride: Yes. And... (intense whisper again) I married... DADDY!
Me: Ooo. He is a great guy to marry.
The little bride: Yah. He is. We got married on a carousel. It was beautiful.

Ah, a tear in my eye. What a reminder of how we as girlies are created from very early on to LOVE beautiful things and desire beauty in our lives. So sweet and precious. Here's to carousel weddings with dinosaur guests!