So Much More

"Hello... this is the Ussher's phone.  Can I help you?"

(pause)Oh, um, yes!  I was just hoping to catch Jamie.

"Ah. Yes.  Clint and Jamie are out to lunch.  I am sitting with Evee and Iris.  I expect them back in half an hour.  Whom shall I tell them called?" 

Oh!  This is Amanda.

"Very well.  Are you calling from the States?"

Yes...

~~~

Because what do you say to the sweet woman on the other end of the telephone.  The one who is halfway around the world, watching two little sweet girls who mean so much to you?

A million and one thoughts raced through my mind.

I could have said, "OH!  That's so wonderful!  I know you have no idea who I am, but thank you for sitting with Evee and Iris so that Clint and Jamie can get some time out.  That is so important."

Or, how about...

"Please give sweet Iris a big kiss and hug.  And, if you don't mind, could you put Evee on the phone?  I'd love to tell her how often Maddie (that's my daughter) has asked me to point out New Zealand on a globe because she wants to remember again where she lives now.  And I'd LOVE to hear that cute little British accent that she has already picked up."

Or, how about...

"That's great!  What are you all doing right now?  Because Evee seems to enjoy playing dress up and pretending she's a princess or a fairy.  That's how she and Maddie spent their days when they were here with us for two weeks before starting their journey in New Zealand.  They are very dear friends of ours."

Or even...

"I truly appreciate you and your involvement in their lives so far.  I hope you become a dear friend to Jamie and that the two of you can have many encouraging conversations.  Maybe we'll meet someday and I too can sit and have conversations with you!  But, until then, thanks again for being so involved and willing to watch their girls.  I hope it brings joy to your heart to be with Evee and Iris... because they are amazing little ladies.  You do know that, right?"

But instead, I stuck with...

"Thank you."

I HOPE she realized through those two simple words, how her voice when she answered the phone unexpectedly had brought me great peace.  Peace in knowing that they are there, settling in, making connections and community, already allowing themselves to be known, while unknowingly affecting and drawing others into the love and peace they live so well.  

Peace in knowing that God provides.  Everywhere and anywhere.  Always.

And I HOPE she sensed the love, respect and deep appreciation I already had for her... this woman I'd never met, 18 hours away, already living her Thursday, while I'm closing out my Wednesday.

Yes.  Sometimes a "thank you" is full of so much more.

A Grateful Heart

Amidst the fullness of life, I find myself drawn to stop, sit and write.

Although I have many things to do today, many fun, little plans for my three Valentine sweethearts, I find that the thing I'm MOST reflective of this Valentine's Day is how full and grateful my heart is.... in light of His deep love and endearing presence God has shown me over and over in the past two-three months.

~~~

Miss Harper:

I look at this little lady who turned 6 months on the 11th and am still in awe of the fact that she is ours.  What a sign of God's blessing she is to us!

This picture captures our current phase with her... the baby food.  Although she is exclusively eating prunes, now three weeks into her food journey (for reasons left unsaid, but ones I'm sure you can figure out) and although MOST days I catch myself wishing we could completely skip this phase and move straight into table foods, she is VERY interested in food, and often makes satisfied noises while eating.  So... my laziness has taken a backseat, and we've jumped headlong into this messy journey.  And amidst the mess, there is such life in watching her develop into a little lady... baby food, mess, constipation and all. :)

She is such a joyful baby... so happy and content just observing and being with the three of us.

~~~

Miss Maddie:

And THIS picture seems to capture our eldest oh so well, don't you agree? :) She is our almost-five-year-old (will turn 5 on March 10), whose spunk, personality, compassion and curiosity grows with each passing day.

I am constantly learning from her.  I find myself so pleasantly surprised each time she cries with others, notices when someone is left out, and loves her friends oh so well.  She truly is a compassionate child, in tune with others and the feelings they have.  Wow.  Sometimes she blows me away with the things she says and does.

And of course, as most ALL 5 year olds, we have full doses of extreme silliness and spunkiness each day.  And that too, I am learning to fully embrace.  God shows me over and over what he means when he says to "become like a child."  In Maddie, I am reminded to stop. enjoy. cease. forget about the "to do list" and just love life.

~~~

And of course, when I find myself full of thanks for these two, I find myself equally full of thanks for my lover, best friend and father of both of these beauties.

Brad:

Oh... so many things I am thankful for in him this year!

Our home feels so peaceful due to his demeanor and manner in approaching life.  He has such a gentle, fun-loving, not afraid to joke around and play hard approach with the girls that I love.  They clearly adore him.  I love watching Harper's face light up in the evenings when he comes home, and the way Maddie runs to greet him, anxious for him to take her off on an "adventure" in their imaginative play.

Somehow, without saying a word, he seems to draw the best out of me.  There's something about him that makes me want to do well; create peace; and love one another, our girls, family, friends and others passionately.

His love and hunger for God and seeing the Holy Spirit's presence in our lives acknowledged each and every moment of every day is refreshing and challenging at the same time.  I am so thankful for both aspects.

His loyalty to me and the amazing journey we've been on so far... with our ten-year anniversary coming up this year, I am soooo thankful for this man by my side and for the fact that God knew us both so well and knew the way we would partner and parent and approach life together.  Each year, I find we make more and more sense together.  And in that, I find comfort and peace.

To you three, my lovely Valentines, my heart is so grateful.  I love you.

A Farewell of Sorts

I've been drafting this post in my mind for months.

Although, I never actually envisioned it as a post.  A letter, yes.  Spoken and unspoken words, yes.  But, never a post.  Yet, here I am... writing it anyway.

The questions in my mind for over the past year really (because that's when the countdown began) have been...

:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye? and...  

:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say?

After ruminating over these questions, here are the answers I've so wisely and accurately accumulated.
:How do you say goodbye when it's not REALLY goodbye? 
(you don't) 
and...
:Are there even adequate words to express what I want to say? 
(no, there aren't)

So, let it be said that I'm not saying goodbye, because time has proven that we actually CAN grow closer with distance.  And time has also proven that we DO stay in touch and take efforts to see one another as regularly as we can.  For those reasons and more, this is instead, a "farewell of sorts."

Because although I'm not saying goodbye, something must be said to the friends who taught us how to "write an adventure" for our children.  The friends who inspired us to parent our littles in a way that fits who we are as people.  The friends who gave us the name of the book that started us dreaming of what we wanted our family life to look like.  The friends who welcomed us into their new community readily and easily.  The friends who were always comfortable staying in our home, cooking with us or for us, encouraging our biggest little and loving/snuggling with our littlest.  The friends we couldn't wait to share news with.  The friends who supported in my own doubts, questions and fears.

And specifically to you, the sister I never had...
For teaching me how to live peacefully and be a contented encourager to my husband.  For being oh so comfortable with who you are and who God is- regardless of the season of life.  For sharing in our heartaches and sorrows.  For our labor and delivery dreams (and realities)... and helping me laugh and be OK with it all. :-)  For sharing the blog that inspired the name.  For encouraging my writing.  For conversations over coffee... in the midst of all the fullness of life.  More recently, for teaching me to crochet.  For the amazing scone recipe... and for making them for me when I was sick.  For appreciating the dramatic. And just for knowing, in so many seasons and so many times.

all because of Him

note found in prayer room

me & you

a bit of yummy comfort

We love you.
We wish you the best.
We are praying fervently and
we can't WAIT to hear (oh, and to visit). :-)

Perspective

The phone call immediately put me in a sour mood.

My OB office called this morning.  Two weeks ago, my doctor had seen what she deemed enough progress for us to go ahead and schedule an induction on August 11th.  Two days from today.  Last week, since my doctor was on vacation, I saw a nurse practicioner.  She seemed to think a bit differently from my doctor.  Now my doctor would like to see me again tomorrow for an exam to determine whether or not it's a good idea to go ahead with the induction on Thursday.

What?  My spirit dampened a bit.  We had our hearts set on Thursday, August 11th.  Although I've found myself going back and forth, doubting that decision a bit, I was still sooo anticipating that day as the day we'd finally get to meet this new life.

I said goodbye to my husband as he left for work... with a smile and a kiss he tried to encourage me.  I still found myself a tad bitter and resentful about it all.  I tried to proceed with my morning and encourage myself to keep looking forward.

I quickly put a pot of boiling water on the stove for coffee, grabbed a basketful of laundry, turned on some encouraging praise and worship music, sat at the kitchen table to fold clothes and chat with our four-year old as she colored.  It only took about 30 seconds.

Perspective was gained.

It had been one year ago, almost to the day.  We had learned, to our ever hopeful hearts, that after losing one child in March, we again, were facing a failed pregnancy and losing another baby.  This time, we soon discovered, a baby girl.  Emerson Jayne.

Cherish THIS moment.

The words were a whisper with the passing winds outside on this beautiful, cooler summer morning.

I felt the tears come quickly to my eyes.  With the kicks of this, perhaps not-yet-ready to arrive babe :) and the sweet voice of our beautiful growing Maddie explaining with pride about her colorful, rainbow horse she'd just colored, I was reminded to be thankful for now.

This moment.  This time with her of peace as I waited for the water to boil, accomplishing a simple, yet necessary task of folding our laundry, thankful in that moment for my iPhone with a wide array of music to fit many occasions.

Perspective gained... I'm thankful.  So ever thankful.  For what was.... what is to come.... and especially for right now.

Writing Workshop

I know... it has been entirely too long!  I often wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a blogger.  I sure don't keep up with it much at all.  I long to.  But, I long for so many other things as well that take my time and attention.  All good things (or at least most of the time), but things that distract from the discipline of writing nonetheless.

Knowing this is true of myself, I signed up for a six-week online writing course.  I'm loving it.  And it's very difficult.  It's forcing me to be disciplined because there are "due dates" I have to meet in order to not let down my fellow co-writers.  It's so good, and so hard.

Here's a piece I worked on for the first two weeks of the workshop... It's long.  And yes, I cut and paste the entire thing on here. Don't feel obligated to read it all.  But if you choose to, thank you. :)

~~~~

     I felt very motherly. I had just fed my 3-month old nephew and was watching my four-year old, in the room next door coloring, when I felt the flutters of the new life growing within. The flutters felt more like kicks this time, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my nephew felt them too. I was comfortably perched on the couch, feet on the coffee table, knees bent, and he was nestled with his head between my knees, facing me. It’s one of my favorite times with newborns, freshly fed, ever-so happy and ready to interact. The kick produced an instant smile and giggle from him. Could it be that he was aware of what was going on?
     

     Feeling a sudden pang for the lone big sister-to-be, I steered my attention toward checking in with her in the adjacent room.
“How are you doing in there girlie?” A pause.
“Fine mom.”
“Would you like to come in here in and color?” Another thoughtful pause.
“No. I just want some time to myself. I’m OK.”
The transformation is nothing short of amazing. She went from being completely dependent upon us for her every need, to a little person with her own ambitions and desires. She was a little girl, who in this very moment, just needed some time to herself. This was my lovely, my sweet, sweet girl and she was growing up. 

     Just last week, I was able to spend time at the ocean. A few peaceful days, just my husband and I. I was able to walk every morning on the beach. During those walks, I watched families collecting sea shells, slowly and quietly waking with each sandy step. I was reminded of idyllic summer vacations with my family at the beach. I remember my fears of the ocean as a small child. I'd finally venture out, play in the fierce waves and slowly begin to feel comfortable. Sun-drenched and carefree, I'd never see the wave coming as it knocked me over. I'd feel the rough sand on my legs, the sting of salt water in my eyes and somehow blindly crying, make it back to my mom, ever ready with a fresh towel and water.

     
     Fear.
     

     Would I be able to love her enough, in the way she needs me to? Would she know how amazing she is to us even with a new little one in our lives? Would she be able to come to me with her deepest fears and worries? Would she always remember that although we love them both the same, we loved her first? God gave her to us first? That even the order of our little ones’ births is a part of this great plan?


     I took a deep breath and in an instant it felt as if I were standing on the shore of the ocean again, breathing in the freshness that always comes for me when close to an expanse in creation much greater than myself. It smelled clean and salty at the same time. Refreshing and yet a bit scary, a bit unknown. In that moment the word that came quickly to my mind was singular and precise.

     Surrender.

     
     My fears are held in the hands of a Creator who also holds the fierce and raw power of the oceans. Will the fear of the one destructive wave cripple me? No. Indeed, the beauty of surrender is found in the sun-drenched, carefree, childlike wonder of the unknown.

     
     As I watch, I see her independent little hands moving rapidly across the page, the markers smearing together on her arm in a rainbow of her efforts. She concentrates, putting all of her little being into creating her masterpiece. One of her legs is tucked under her and another dangling below, swinging a good six inches from the ground. Her still-pudgy toes and feet are swinging in rhythm to her methodical coloring. She is not afraid.

     
     I breathe it in deeply, inhaling the smells of a fresh-new baby in my lap, powder and milk, mixed with the lingering smells of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from our lunch we’d had earlier that day. The sticky lunch that she’d asked me to wipe from her little fingers. With them spread wide, she looked, unsure of how exactly to manage it by herself, and confident that mommy would be there to help.

     
     I taste salt. I sigh deeply. It takes me a moment to realize that the salt is from my tears... tasting just like the ocean air. And there I am again, standing before the powerful beauty of the expansive ocean, fully surrendered.

20 Words

A friend and I have been experimenting.

For the past month, we've been blogging each week on a joint blog with the goals of living, appreciating, connecting and refining.  In life, relationships and everything in between.  You could almost say it's been like "texting" one another each weekend summing up our thoughts for the week on a certain word.

For the first month, our word was "words."  We focused on this word each week and then blogged our thoughts in exactly 20 words (to keep it short, thoughtful and manageable).  Our thoughts on "words" ranged from saying too much, choosing our words, hurtful words, words being unable to capture certain moments, anticipation of words, others' words deeply changing us, etc...

It was such a fruitful exercise!  I feel like I was very aware for the month of December of my words (good and bad).  I'm looking forward to our year ahead with this project as we kick off January blogging about "possibility."

So, in closing of 2010, a few of my thoughts about my own words...

• I often use too many
• When said in angry moments, without thinking them through, they are ALWAYS hurtful
• Sometimes I don't need them (even if I think I do)
• Some moments are more beautiful without them
• I love reading and writing them!
• Others' spoken into my life can be so encouraging & life-giving... and these I cherish
• There is room for faith and trust in the anticipation of words
• Even if words haven't been exchanged for AGES, it's okay & often a beautiful exchange when you pick back up where you left off

I love them... everything about them.  So many stories to be told!  May I tell a few in 2011 and be blessed to hear many more...

Other Plans

It was so quiet, yet so very familiar.  I almost dropped the book and glass I was carrying.  Could it be?  Was I hearing your voice after so long?

I listened again.

There it was.  Quiet, yet strong... "Put it down.  I have other plans."

I laid the book down and turned to walk down the stairs.  I almost couldn't do it.  I turned back for the book and there the voice was again, "No. Leave it.  I have other plans."

I put on my shoes quickly and almost skipped down the stairs.  I was joyful.  Anxious to hear from you.  I think I was smiling.

I hopped on the treadmill, ready to walk and ready for the "other plans."  Thirsty for your voice, your words.  The familiar that I thought I'd lost long ago.

I walked and my mind said, "Hey there.  What are you thinking of tonight?"

I was anticipating it would take several minutes or longer for your response.  It had been a while since we'd talked.  I'd always known you were there, yet you'd been so distant.  Or I had... or something...  We'd been apart, not as close, yet feeling closer than ever in the midst of the distance.  The silence.  The questions.  Is that even possible?

There was no hesitation.  You responded quickly.

"Mama."

It's what my lovely has been calling me lately.  Not mommy, or mom.  It's been Mama, for the past several weeks.

I was a bit surprised and my mind instantly started trying to interpret.  But, I didn't need to.  You spoke again.

"It's endearing to hear her call you that isn't it?  There is something very sweet about it."

I nodded yes in response.

"Did you know that it's me?"

WHAT? My mind was reeling.

"When she says 'Mama,' that's me touching your heart.  That's me saying you WERE created for this.  You ARE enough.  You ARE adequate."

The tears were streaming down my face.  I knew it was true.  This really was His voice.  After so long.  It was so strong, so familiar, so comforting.

"She adores you, you know?  She wants so much to make you happy.  Cherish that."

The tears wouldn't stop.  I almost had to stop walking.

He's here.  He always has been.  And he always will be.  My Sustainer.  Using my lovely to touch my heart, to reach me.

He is beautiful.